hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
