when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize