Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
