see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
