Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
