He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
