Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
