Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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