so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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