So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
