I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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