don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
