see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
