ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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