if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize