seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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