Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
