There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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