he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
