i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
drinking out of a sandbucket again
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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