In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
