and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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