Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
