the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
