Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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