I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
