You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
