Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
