Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
