im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I am available for nakedness
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
