He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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