I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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