areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
