They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize