I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
