So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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