the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
