just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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