And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
