i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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