The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
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