I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
