final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
