Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize