Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
