i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
