miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
