I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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