I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
