I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
