I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Is it penis luge time yet?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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