sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
