I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
you made out with another girl for some wings
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
