I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
