Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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