I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
