I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
