I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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