Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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