I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
