She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
